it's been a while since i've been here. i don't think anyone wants to read what i'd say most days.
i had a massive break down today. i was upstairs watching some tv just trying to relax and zone out. i'm tired of thinking these horrible thoughts (more on that later) so i went to veg. marc wasn't going to sleep he needed it!! badly!!
shawn was at the end of his rope when i came down stairs, I put marc on the couch, gave his milk and told him not to move. he'd been fighting with his dad for the last 20 minutes over whether or not he should lay on his brother to wake him up.
shawn brought the baby back up to me when I went upstairs again. marc again was having a fit, so i brought the baby down with me. when i went to put him in his walker he grabbed a hold of my necklace and something inside me went in to shutdown.
i started shaking (not angry shaking) and said please let go of me, about this time shawn came around the couch fast and took him from me. i ran upstairs and just literally sobbed myself to sleep.
my mind is broke. i can't stand the waiting for the test results, i can't stand the thought that something might be wrong with my son, i can't stand the thoughts that i have of every imgainable thing going wrong -- going wrong.
the mri results (for Marc) should be there when i take ian in for his 9mo check up Monday along with all the blood work results.
what scares me is, i called friday morning to see if the b/w was in (dr s is off on fridays, i talked to the nurse) and she had to call me back. when she did she said not all results were in yet and that dr s would probably have them for me on monday. the scary part of it is, she put a STAT on the b/w and I'm scared that something is wrong that Dr S wants to explain to me herself in person instead of on the phone and certainly not by a nurse.
i can't stop thinking something is wrong with my baby.
to top it all off, our insurance sucks. for the past 3 months they have been denying EVERY claim on Marc. EVERY claim. They won't talk to me, even though I am his mom, and finally shawn got on the phone and said "explain it to my wife, i'm giving you permission to do so"
well after that conversation i think i was more confused then ever. Marc had medicaid when he was born. he had it til 6-30-06. on 7-1-06 we put him on our private insurance after Medicaid was terminated. We sent in the Certificate of Creditable Coverage and everything was fine. on 11-1-06 Shawn's Employer switched insurance plans on us (still pacificare, just a different plan) and they started denying marc's claims. i called them and asked what was going on, they asked if we had other insurance...no. ok that was taken care of his claims were resubmitted. taken care of. as of january they started denying them again.
after the conversation (with shawn's permission
) they told me they needed the Creditable coverage thing again from medicaid. why exactly anyway would they need CC from two insurances ago???? i didn't have it, i couldn't find it anywhere so i spent 2 days fighting on the phone trying to figure out where to get the stupid thing. finally thursday it came in the mail, and i faxed it to pacificare.
i'm scared that if something is wrong, we aren't going to be able to afford anything. as of 10-31-07 Marc Ian and I will have no insurance, what if something is wrong that takes long term care?? we live paycheck to paycheck, and we can't afford to not have insurance, but we can't afford to buy it outright either. i've checked, just for the boys it's almost 300 a month.
add all this to the stress of not knowing what is causing Marc's fits, whether or not he has bipolar or whatnot. . . . I'm broke. Shawn doesn't seem to care or stays in his oblivious state to protect himself, i don't know.
oy.
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thoughts? comments? psych ward anyone?
