(my freakin god i hate my neighbors)
anyway
i sit here writing while everyone is asleep, listening to some really bad music (courtesy of my neighbors 
) and wondering, how exactly do you live with an alcoholic? for 7 years I've lived with one. A self admitted one at that.
what do you do when see someone you love slowly killing themselves? he can't let go of the past, doesn't know how to deal *i know as soon as he reads this, he'll want to drink even more, and that is counter-productive to what i want*
i want him to live, to let go of things he cannot change. it's hard watching someone take drink after drink, get so drunk he can't even clearly stand. i get annoyed sure even sometimes feel a little embarrassed, but what is a girl to do?
strong arming someone isn't the way to go, threatening isn't either.... so i sit back and watch him slowly kill himself. i know that if he doesn't stop he won't be around for the boys, he'll do them no good 6 feet under.
see he used to not drink liquor, now he does, whether or not one is worse then the other, i don't know, but i do know that i can't sit and watch anymore.
i dont know who to blame, him, myself, his childhood? my sister gave him really good advice, let go of yesterday and focus on tomorrow. but that can't happen either, because he won't let it.
yeah i know what a place to air the laundry *not very dirty if you ask me* but there has got to be a way to get through to him.
the more you say to him the more he drinks, not out of spite, but because he feels like he's let you down.
i'm not let down, just scared. i'm not let down, just pissed sometimes.
yeah yeah i married him knowing what i know now. he didn't suddenly change, but 7 years ago I didn't have 2 boys that were counting on their dad to be there in the next 20+ years.
i do love my husband, i love him alot, maybe that is why i don't like to see the road he is on.
if anyone has any advice, true advice, not AA, not leave him, but true caring advice, please tell me....
til then. . . . i love you very much my dear husband.
ps, i cant receive PMs, you can however email thanos.angel@cox.net
Magic Man, I didn't make this private on purpose. You are my fucking man here. You know this. I would never go behind your back and talk shit. So I keep this public out of respect to you. You've got a beautiful thing. Don't lose it. Find a different way to rest your demons. You may not have intended for such a thing to happen, but the reality is this: You're bigger than just you. A lot more people than the ones you live with count on you being there. Myself included. You can't play Othello without both the colors. What would happen if you were gone and my blackness took over the stream? We need you to balance things out. Fuck we. I need you. Food for thought man. Chew slowly!
I was married to an alcoholic and even attended some Alanon meetings. Mostly the meetings were a place to share the type of feelings that you are experiencing.
They tell you that nagging and getting on his case is the worst thing that you can do.
And it doesn't help to blame anyone, especially not yourself. He has to want to stop drinking, until he makes that choice there is little that you can do. Just make sure that he doesn't drink and drive.
Apparantly I was wrong. I don't know when I decided that this is what I wanted to do with myself. Maybe it is the lack of happiness and joy that I can't find in life. And that is not to say that I am not happy and joyful, but it is the negative that seems to destroy it. Yes I know alcohol is a depressant.
What's the one thing that you can remember in life that gave you the greatest "high"? You know like the first time your parents let you drive? Riding a roller coaster or skydiving. Then you kept doing it. It was always fun, but it was never like that first time. The first high is always the best.
When I was single there was never a night that I didn't drink until I passed out. Beer, liquor, cheap wine, it didn't matter whatever I could do to try and find that again. When I got married, I didn't stop much, I do some, but not really. There were many times that I am sure Angela wanted to go back to her parents and leave me to my vice. Even while I am typing this I am having a drink. Even the words that she expressed in this here post, though they hurt (because I have hurt her) it still can't seem to stop it.
I've been through the "professional help" already. I don't know why it didn't work. Maybe I wasn't receptive then. Maybe I was still angry. But now maybe that would be different. Don't get me wrong, I don't want to STOP drinking. I don't want to be one of those people that can't go out with friends or go to dinner parties (not that I even know what the hell those are) because there will be alcohol there, and I know I can't control myself. I also don't want people to not have alcohol in their social functions because of me. My problem shouldn't have to be other people's problems.
Someone told me that a person cannot control alcohol. Then why do I see people that can go out and have a good time and just have a drink or two and be okay? Is there something wrong with me (obviously besides my lack of self-control) that I cannot have one drink and stop?
Angela . . .
I worry about you too. And please don't ever take this as spite when I say this (besides that I do it too) but what about cancer? I mean, I understand an addiction, believe me I do. And I know that you have made more valiant efforts in trying to quite smoking then I have drinking.
I have to come to terms with what it is that makes me drink. I don't think that it is entirly the physical addiction that keeps me hooked. You said that you think that it is because I cannot let go of the past. That I can't move on and that is why I drink. You are probably right, on a subconcious level. Ohh I say that I have left the past and my parents in the past, but maybe I haven't. Maybe I don't want to admit that I feel hurt and lonley because of what stands between them and me. I have made my choices in life, and I have to live with them, despite how my parents view them. You and my sons are my life now, and I know that. But because I drink, it doesn't seem like it.
Shane, my brother (truely) . . .
I appreciate your kind words and your confidence in me. I value our friendship greatly too. When you had left the stream it just wasn't the same. Your humor, kindess, and unique outlook on life and living has made me think more than you know.
I think more than anything, I just haven't TRIED to do anything to stop. Even if it be something as simple as trying something else to help me relax and unwind. I remember, back before we had children, Angela, asked me for one day, not to drink. Let's just say I failed her. I wonder why I let something hurt the ones I love.
Miss Gloria . . .
Maybe that is what I need, to talk to others, and find something in common. Granted, I probably do know someone that struggles as I do, I just keep it at home. I don't go out much anymore and drink with friends. The dangers of drinking and driving are far too great for me to take the chance.
If there is anything that I respect about alcohol, Miss Gloria, is it's effects on someone to drive. That I will not do, Miss Gloria.
Thank you Shane and Miss Gloria for not judgeing me and being true friends. And of course my wonderful wife for putting up with this shit for seven years. Give me some time.
Let's talk.
I so love you.
Greetings...
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Mistress Reba
I would watch her start drinking and try to think of ways to escape. I knew when she got drunk i was invisible. I also knew that she would up and leave me if she couldn't remember I was around. Where would I go, I was constantly worrying about my own safety around her. Everytime we moved I looked thru the entire neighborhood to find a safe place when it was too dangerous to go home. I also worried about her, she made me so sad, because I always worried if she would be raped, killed or beaten to death by other drunks. Or worst, get run over. There were times after the drinking when she would swear at me for breathing, slap me across the face or call me a b-tch for no apparent reason. She's young but looks so old, and I'm sure she'll die before she hits 40. Her liver has to be thrashed and I worry that no one is going to want to take care of her when she gets that far off. There is not one day I don't pray for her safety and for her to find herself and try living a different life. I know she had a bad childhood too, and I know some of her pain, but I don't understand why she does not try to change to be here for me. Why does she find her past more important then my future? Why does everything about my present end up in her past? Why can't she stop hating other people and start loving me?
I get so discombobulated when i try to reason with her excuse for drinking. I try to tell myself it's beyond my reach, beyond my power.
What hurts the most, is that I'm still here. I might be almost of age, but guess what? I need my mom, and I love her, even if I don't want to admit it. I can only dream of a good life with her, I can only dream of having her for the rest of my life. But none of it matters, because her path is hers alone, and the choices she makes are all about her and for her.
I guess she loves me when she's sober, and i guess she thinks about me once in awhile, but all the absentee's in my life, will never be made up, and all the pain and sadness she has put me thru, isn't going to make me follow her footsteps and turn to alcohol to forget the pain she's caused me. Alcohol is a part of my life, my friends, people I know, make itself to me, I could be drinking my life away, but I want so much more. I seen what it does to her, and I've seen a beautiful woman, turn old right before my eyes.
Mr. Adam, if I had one wish in my life, is that you would attempt to fix the pain, and turn from the negative way of dealing with it. Your boys need a dad, and a mom, and if you both would turn away from the bad habits, you could enjoy life with them, and also have more spending money. But it's not going to go away, and the babies will grow up without a father....or worst....
Love and respect always,
H