it's 1am and I'm still awake. no big surprise there, insomnia kicks my ass from time to time. Only thing that helps is that Marc is in school in the mornings and I can take a nap when the baby naps.

Ian had a tough time getting to sleep tonight, so I once again got in the car and drove him around. He is in teething hell.    routine goes something like this: tylenol, orajel and bottle. fight the sleep, tries to scratch his face off. finally sleeps.

Marc's medicine is helping him sleep alot better, at least going to sleep. we are no longer awake at 2am wondering when he is going to calm down enough to sleep. He gets out of school june 1st and goes back 2wks later for summer school. they don't want him to regress over the summer so extended school year it is. Next year he'll go into a regular pre-school setting, instead of the one for developmental delays.

I haven't eaten in two days. everytime I try my stomach just turns and it either comes right back up or doesn't stay with me long. when i said I wanted to lose 15lbs I didn't mean like this. my nerves are shot all to hell.

Shawn and I came to the realization that he needs some help with his alcohol addiction. I've been worried about him for a while, worried that my boys would grow up fatherless for whatever reason, but I refused to rock the boat. well the boat got rocked and capsized all at the same time 2 days ago.  (read: no abuse has taken place, that is not what I am implying)

Shawn admitted he is an alcoholic in the wrong (right?) place and conclusions were jumped to, assumptions were made.  It doesn't really matter why or what or when I guess, because it helped me confront the issue head on.

He is a great father, he is a great husband. he is however by no means perfect. none of us are.  I do accept him faults flaws and otherwise and I'll support him in whatever he needs to do to fight the addiction.

in the last two days i've cried so many tears, i feel like my eye balls are dried out. i've gone from feeling like i betrayed him because i called his mom and started crying on the phone with her, well she knew something was up then and i had to talk to someone about it, to being angry with myself to being confused by it all.

we will find him a therapist or whatever so he can start dealing with his issues that are his reason for drinking.

I do want to say though, Shane, you have been a wonderful influence on Shawn. He'll talk to you, he'll tell you things that I've never heard him tell anyone. We were talking about that last night, you are someone he trusts.

I just need help to help him through it.

if you've made it this far, i hope i didnt hurt your eyes too much.

 

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